7/31/2023 0 Comments Difficult conversations bookI can only imagine that my mother-in-law’s husband could have been thinking: It’s important to also realize that the person(s) we are having conflict with has these three conversations going on as well. Becoming aware of these three aspects and, when appropriate, giving each of them voice can help us better navigate difficult conversations. Often, only the “What Conversation” is outwardly recognized, but the “Feeling” and “Identity” conversations are usually the silent drivers of the conflict. When we enter a difficult conversation, all three of these areas are playing a role. In my situation, there were latent thoughts like, “What does my outburst say about me as a person?” “What does my son think of me, having witnessed my tirade?” and “Aren’t I supposed to be an expert in communication?!” THE IDENTITY CONVERSATION: This is about the places where this difficult conversation touches on your identity. And I felt resentful, or maybe sorry for myself, over how much of my vacation was being taken up through their transition process. I felt concerned about the safety of the situation. I felt disrespected over the fact that I’d explained the situation several times before. I felt angry, but the truth is, that emotion flowed out of several other factors. THE FEELINGS CONVERSATION: This is all that’s happening internally on the emotional level. It’s the trigger, the external focal point. In my case, it was the closet and desk that didn’t get cleaned out. THE WHAT CONVERSATION: This is what actually happened. ” The problem is that we normally only communicate with the other person about one of them. Writing this article was actually what unlocked the key to why the unsettled feeling lingered.Įvery difficult conversation contains three parts, explain Stone, Patton, and Heen (authors of Thanks for the Feedback ), in their book, “ Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Even a few weeks later, that conversation didn’t feel settled to me. But, oh my! What volume I had as I communicated my anger over his still unpacked items. I still wonder what it would have been like if his hearing aids actually worked and my normal voice didn’t have to be at yelling level to begin with. Only his closet and his large armoire-sized desk remained to be packed, and yet again, I was asking him to finish packing up his things before the movers arrived in the morning. It had been a week in coming, but now it was the night before. I was helping them out of their small assisted-living apartment into an even smaller place. I can still remember the difficult conversation with my mother-in-law’s husband.
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